I ate my wafer...


I hate trying to squeeze enough interesting bits into cover letters! I feel like I'm pimping myself!


May I Have a Snow Day?

Last Friday:

On the way back from Mason, I stumbled upon two young high school idiots who had never driven in the snow before. Apparently, they had exited 127 at about 60 mph, promptly sliding off the road into the ditch. Just as they slid to a stop in the snowdrift, a brand new 2004 Z-71 pickup pulled over to help them, but the driver didn?t have anything to pull them with, and frankly didn?t know what to do. At which point, I arrived, dug the tow strap out of my cargo area, and looked up to watch the first pickup disappear. So, I hooked the strap to the kids? car, and immediately another brand new 2004 z-71 stopped, and backed up to the strap! So, I hooked Z-71 # 2 up, and he promptly pulled the tow hook off of the car. At this point, I?ve been out in the 10 degree cold w/o gloves or a coat for several minutes, and my hands are numb. I reached under the car, and promptly grabbed the jagged metal that used to be the tow hook, driving it deep into my palm. I didn?t feel anything, but the towstrap started to get oddly slippery, so I pulled it out from under the car, covered in blood. At this point, I wiped my hand off, and it promptly covered itself in blood again, so I yelled for the driver of Z-71 #2 to grab a flashlight and put the hook on himself. While he was doing this, I wiped my hand off once again, and watched the blood well up out of the cut, making sure that it didn?t pulse in time to my heartbeat. Convinced that it wasn?t arterial bleeding, I grabbed a handful of my polarfleece sweater, and helped connect the tow strap with my other hand. This time, we picked a sturdy enough part of the car, and proceeded to pull it out. I gave the two kids a rather stern speech about winter driving, and they went on their way. It did take a great deal of time for my hand to stop bleeding, but thanks to some high quality medical care, it wasn?t a problem.


An even larger amount of snow was dumped on Lansing. On my way to Meijer?s, I found myself following a great smear of red liquid on Hagardorn Road, which lead to a broken down (nearly new) Dodge minivan. I?ll admit, I drove right past the poor guy, then had an attack of guilt a mile away and turned around. At the time, 4:45, traffic wasn?t bad, but I knew that at 5:00, the combination of the deep snow and the broken down van would be quite the traffic hazard. Anyway, I positioned myself in front of the van, and asked the driver if he wanted me to tow him to the nearest parking lot, which he gladly accepted. I grabbed the tow strap, conviently located on the back seat and hooked it up to my car. When I started to hook it up to his, with my arms deep under his van, I suddenly felt warm liquid all over my hand and arm. In shock, I jerked my arm out, and it was covered in thin, bright red fluid...?aaagh?NO, NOT AGAIN!!??then realized that it was ATF. The poor driver of the van looked like I was utterly and completely insane! But I hooked up the strap and pulled him out of traffic. Although it worked out OK, apparently when the transmission on his van failed, it locked up all four wheels (It was an all-wheel drive van), so I had to pull his van like a sled for several hundred feet, which was hard to do but possible. The poor kid thanked me?but looked REALLY nervous?I suppose that snow encrusted men that yell randomly at their own arms are kind of strange.

Finally, on my way back, I had to help the proud owner of a brand new GT Mustang who was stuck sideways blocking the entrance to my parking lot. Frankly, if I could have parked, I probably would have left him, I was already tired, and he was safe. But, he didn?t care for the idea of towing his brandnew baby, so we rocked it, and pushed it, and fed it half of my Chicken Grit, and eventually put MY tire chains on HIS !@$#% car. Because he got a little lead footed on a sewer grate, he broke one of the chains. I can't really complain about the chain, it was worn and it didn't really fit on his tire. We eventually got him on his way after 30 minutes of hard work. I'm tired! I want a snow day!


The One Watch.
In the last six months, I have unintentionally destroyed four wristwatches ( for a total of six in the last year). The first one was an attractive stainless steel timex, with the handy Indiglo feature. I think I had owned it for about 2 years before exposure to one or another of several organic solvents melted the glue that holds the crystal in place, and caused an electrical short in the Indiglo circuit. Although the watch still functioned, if the Indiglo feature was used for several seconds, the battery would be worn out in a matter of hours. So, I moved on to a Russian mechanical watch, no sissy electronic bits to break, but unfortunately, the band construction was inferior and it dropped off to meet an untimely demise under the wheels of my Mom’s Taurus . About this point, I switched to cheap walmart/meijer watches; the first of which was a very nice looking $30 “Elgin” which lasted less than a week. I probably should have returned it, but the warrantee probably didn’t cover situations where the watch would be exposed to the repeated shock of cold chiseling rivet for 6 hours. The next watch, a $6.99 model promptly disintegrated its band, but I replaced it (with a $10 band), and it survived for nearly three months before the seals failed and water killed the electronic bits. So…I bought another Timex.

Often, if I am slightly too warm while sleeping, I will have interesting and detailed dreams. Last night, I dreamt that I was trying to convince Sauron to forge an indestructible watch…